Still a mom

 I was holding Justin in his hospital bed while he was drowning in his own fluids. He was dying from kidney failure, though it is technically his heart that caused all of it. Justin had double inlet left ventricle, transposition of the great arteries, he was post Fontan and he was in remission from ITP. Justin had finally gotten on the transplant list in July of 2008, on August 8th he went in for an appointment at University of Michigan, before midnight we were back and never left again.

We had already been told there was nothing they could do to save him. Every time they wanted to talk about Justin, we would all leave his ICU room. I asked, are we keeping this a secret from him? He may be dying but he's not an idiot. So I went into his room and asked the ICU nurse to not let anyone in with us. I climbed into the hospital bed with him and asked him if he know what was going on. He said, well, I haven't peed in several days and you're crying. ( I never cried in front of Justin) , so I must be dying. I cuddled closer to him, holding him and told him, yes, you're dying. What do you want me to do Justin? He told me, if they can save me, I'll do anything, but if they can't, Mom, I'm tired, I'm ready to go home. I told him how much I loved him and how sorry I was. I told him how special my life was because of him. He honestly apologized to me as he knew that there would be problems between me and my ex in-laws. I assured him everything would be ok and I could handle it. Then he asked me to promise him that I would look after his Dad, he was very worried about his Dad. I promised I would, and honestly, Robert and I have been just about best friends ever since. He's been there for me and vise versa.

Justin had slipped into a coma, a nurse came in and said one of us had to sign Justin's DNR paperwork. No one wanted to do it, but then I could hear it in my heart, you're still his mother. Even while he's dying, I'm still his mother and I still have to do my job. So, painfully I signed my son's paperwork, doing exactly what I knew he wanted done, yet I was still filled with so much pain and guilt.

 Justin died August 14th in the arms of his mother and father. I actually felt my baby leave his body and through my arms. I felt the transference. Robert and I were both just broken and I don't remember getting home or too many other things really. But then one of my ex in-laws had written my son's obituary. It was heart breaking. I am sure writing it for her was painful, as we all loved Justin so much, but apparently the person that wrote it didn't believe in step kids, half brothers or adoption because they not only failed to mention half of Justin's siblings from my family because they weren't "blood" she also didn't mention kids from her own family as Justin's cousins, who also loved Justin dearly but I guess since they weren't blood she left them out too. I called Robert crying and told him I was going to write another one and he asked me to include the family of his that were "forgotten".

So, for my very first time, I wrote an obituary, my 21 year old beautiful son's obituary. I made sure that not one person was left out, family is family, period.  I didn't want to write my son's obituary, I certainly didn't want to pay the $600 for it, but, I am his mother, this is my job. 

Motherhood never stops, even in death, I am still Justin's mother and I was going to do what I could to fix it, as Justin would expect me to. 

Later as time passed, I realized how incredibly lucky I was as a mother.

I was there the day God brought that beautiful boy into my life, and I was there when he took him away. Yes it is a pain I'll never recover from, but it is also such an incredible blessing. How precious is it that I was there when God brought him to me, and I was there when God came for my son to take him home, I felt it. I knew that would likely be the closest I could be to God until it was my turn to go home.

I might have the heartbreak of losing one of my babies, but even in that pain, I could see the incredible blessings that had been bestowed upon me to give me some peace and hope in the years to come.

And somehow I knew that God was pleased with me. I felt when Justin left his body that I could hear in my heart, well done.  Well done?? How could I possibly have done well??? My baby is dead!!!! But in the days, weeks and months to come, God revealed to me that I had raised my son in such a way that he had touched so many lives, for the positive, but most importantly, I had raised him in a way that my son was not afraid to die when it was his time. My baby even taught me how to die. He was so calm and even relieved, he knew peace was coming and he knew where he was going. 

I do know what an incredible blessing all of this is. I know there are so many parents that don't have anything like this to find peace in.....sadly, I can relate to those mothers as well. 

I'll write more in my next post...I just need to stop for now. 

Sending you all love and light...